In this workshop, one of our therapists - Kellsey Calhoon talks about jealousy, what it is and how to deal with it when it arises in our relationships. 

What is jealousy?

• Fear, insecurity, concern (or even rage) over a perceived or real threat to safety 
• (often emotional safety)
•  Jealousy is a common human experience!
• It is a part of being human, not the whole experience (i.e. “I am a jealous person” vs ”I experience jealousy”

Why do we become jealous? Some possibilities:

• Insecurity – doubting our worth or value
•  i.e. I’m not good enough; I’m not as good as…; I’m not good enough if I don’t have _____
• Fears of abandonment; abandonment wounding
• Past trauma/wounding around rejection, betrayal, abandonment, harm, etc.
• Attachment wounding/attachment style
• Boundary violations
• Internalized beliefs/expectations; idealized expectations
• Emotional dependency
• Desire/Longing
• Trust
• Mirror (something we see in others that we don’t see in ourselves)

 Inquiry

• What is my current relationship to jealousy?
• Self-judgment? Compassionate? Curious? Avoidant? Shame-based?
• What is my jealousy telling me? What message is it sending?
• What can I learn from my jealousy?
• What does my jealous part need from me?

How to ‘be with’ and support a jealous ‘part’?

• Notice and track the sensations of jealousy in the body
• Self-soothing to the part that needs something
• Nourishing mother or father messages
• Grounding, orienting, breathing
• Self-touch
• mantra/affirmation
• Acknowledgment of needs, desires or longing
• Naming that jealousy is there (rather than shaming)
• I’m feeling jealous right now, and that’s okay…
• Boundaries 
• Ex: Relationship boundaries – what is okay and what isn’t?
• Ex: Social media boundaries 
• Self-compassion work
• Building relationship to self
• Knowing your worth, loving yourself, seeing the good in you, respecting and honouring your own expression of authenticity (moving out of comparison)
• Deeper work with root causes 
• Abandonment wound healing, attachment work, mother/father wounds

Paul’s Mantra: 

May I meet this moment fully 

May I meet it as a friend

(in breath on first line and out breath on the second line)

then make up what you need to care for or heal or let go..

Example:

May I meet this moment fully 

May I meet it as a friend

May I let go of this feeling of jealousy so I can get through to the end